On Sacrifices

There are so many incidents I have heard which talk about people having made some sacrifice or other for someone. Of people giving up what they really want for the benefit of another entity they love (in whichever way, whether reciprocated or not). I have never really understood the meaning of this word. More importantly, I have found it difficult to understand when people have said that sacrifice is a virtue. Why should someone who has made sacrifice get empathy of others or portrayed as a strong person? The fact that a ‘sacrifice’ has been made is merely an indication of a choice made by an individual. I have mostly questioned why such a choice be given the status of a virtue. People have to and do make choices all the time. It is always about what is in the mind and what the mind (and the heart) needs. What is known as sacrifice may be nothing more than a difficult choice made after considerable deliberation (with self or others). I strongly believe that at the end of the day all of these so called difficult choices which are made are done so to make one’s life more comfortable and less painful in whichever way.

Here, by no stretch of the imagination, am I being condescending of people who make such difficult choices. My stance here has been simple enough: the people who make such choices need not be put on a high pedestal. There is always a selfish motive behind such a ‘sacrifice’ and there is nothing wrong with that. You give some to get some and that is how life moves on. Making tough decisions is a part of growing up; and you keep doing that, whether you are a nine year old with three siblings, a new employee in a hostile environment, a twenty something with two break ups in three years or even a retired father with a home to take care of.

It is said that sacrifices have to be made if responsibilities have to be fulfilled. If there are responsibilities to be borne, they are done so out of an individual’s choice (at times they may even be called social compulsions). Fulfilling the same always has returns. It, as always, becomes a matter of give and take. Maybe once we stop seeing making difficult decisions as possible sacrifices (which translates into a virtue being judged by the self, or the society, depending on the kind of person one is), maybe making such decisions will become easier. 

On People

A few weeks ago, someone asked me what my passion in life was. I instantly replied “People”. I did not take me even a moment to answer that question and I am not the least bit surprised with myself. But, all my life I have always approached people as those from whom I can learn. Learn, so that I can know how to deal with them. I always tried to understand why people behaved the way they did. And obviously, I have always been surprised at what I understood of people. Similar people react differently to different situations. The same people react differently to similar situations at two different times. The scientific reason for the former would be genetics and the later may be called as evolution. But that’s beside the point. I never could grasp either of those.
What I have come to understand is the mix of the heart, the mind and the subconscious that leads to people behaving they do. The answer I always try and seek is which one of these is the dominant factor when an individual reacts the way she does. I never made a conscious effort to develop my thought process in that manner. However, over time I realized that trying to understand people with that perspective made me comfortable with myself. It helped me in rationalizing reactions which I did not understand. I got around to making peace with people’s extreme reaction (extreme as per my judgement and not necessarily according to what the general perception). I call myself an individualistic. However, the fact that I have chosen to live in a social setting, I consider it my duty (to myself) to live in harmony with people around me. Understanding them and being able to relate to gives me a satisfaction that I am at least doing one part of my job as an individual.
Theoretically, to me this sounds very simple. However, as always, the process of applying this process of understanding people can be a very painful one. In my opinion people can sometimes be a bundle of unanswered questions. You can use up all kinds of adjectives that you may want to in order to describe them and you will still come out with more and then you will be left wordless but still may not understand them (seriously, no gender bias here!). Not being able to understand the reason’s for change in people’s attitude and behaviour, especially the ones you consider close can be extremely frustrating. It is here that two kinds of action might help. The first one is talking to the individual concerned. Unfortunately, there are occasions when this is easier said than done. The alternative here which has helped me always is “rationalization”. This is about putting oneself in the situation of the other person and trying to understand why the person is doing what she is doing. Doing this requires making rational assumptions with an unbiased mindset and Boom! you just find the answer. It is not about denial or meek acceptance. It would be so if the answer disturbs you and you feel something is wrong somewhere and you choose not to do anything about it. It is about reaching a point where something can be done. Rationalization helps understand the person and the situation better in order to do something (if at all that is) in a manner which is helpful to all concerned.
In the end, it is about making peace with oneself. If behaviour of people disturbs you, either you can choose to ignore them and keep cribbing or do something about it. I have always gone for the second option. Sometimes later than sooner, but have always done so. It just makes life so much simpler.

On Failure...

There has been a lot written on failure. Or rather a lot has been written/said/talked about on what to do after you fail. Try till you succeed. Getting up is success, staying down is the real failure. Learn from your failures. And so on. But has anyone ever told you what to do when you realize that you have failed. That moment, when the earth comes crashing down, your dreams vaporize, you can see a million heads shaking in disappointment and eyes with shame and pity for you. What do you do then? Think of ways you can kill yourself? Think of running away to place where you are nobody, right from the scratch? Think of every possible thing that will devoid you of the pain of failure? But the fact remains that whatever you do, the shame, the agony, the pain just won't go. With every moment it will get worse.
So, what do you do? Look for solace? In what? Music? Books? Friends? All you need is fresh air. A long walk away from you moment of failure. But that's the last thing to come to your mind. You feel like a fish out of water, like you are falling down an unending hole, like... nothing you ever imagined. And then, suddenly, you tear yourself from that moment. Snap out of it. Start thinking. What went wrong? Why did it happen? What are thing you could have done different? You begin cursing the times when you did all those irrelevant things. You wish you could be sensible and smart like others. Like someone who has a control over his mind and heart. But you realize that you had. It’s only that you chose to do what you did. Now, you see where you went wrong!
So? What next? Simple. You fight. There's no other choice. What has happened has happened. Now, you start the process of trying till you succeed. Now, you don't lie down, but get up and prepare to run (OK! maybe crawl, but basically... move). Now, you analyze what are the ways you can do the same thing, but better. Will you be able to? Nobody can say. But do you have the belief? Only you can say so. Only YOU.

Is it not so?

There is a term which I have come across quite often of late: self defence mechanism. It’s very interesting. And I believe its one of the least talked about issues by an individual. Obviously so! Otherwise everyone would come to know of the whys and hows of that person!!! What I found intriguing was not that it is not discussed even with ones we are close to, but that when does this mechanism start operating. When I thought about it and reflected back upon the people I have known or come across, I realized that it works the strongest with the people whom we are we are very close to. This is not an unfair generalization. We all know about our respective self defence mechanisms. The whole idea of such a thing existing is to avoid being hurt and avoid hurting others. For an average, fundamentally good human being, that’s natural. We do not want to be hurt by those whom we feel close to. It’s painful. It would be the end of the world, a breach of trust and blah blah!!! Now comes the interesting part: more than being hurt, we do not want to hurt others. As people, we have supreme confidence in ourselves that we can hurt others. But how many of us accept the same? And more so even to ourselves?

I mean, imagine one fine day telling your best friend that you know his strengths and weaknesses and then doing exactly what will destroy him. OK!!! This is an extreme kind of an example. But the point is that we do not do these things intentionally. But they happen. And for no rhyme or reason. And what do we do about it? What can we do about it? Obviously nothing!! Or is it so? If we really end up hurting someone (here I am obviously talking about the emotional hurt), can it really not be repaired? The only reason we feel that it is not possible is either because we won't talk or the other person wont talk. It’s strange that we all talk to our friends/closed ones when they are hurt by others. But it gets difficult when we are the ones who hurt them. The possibility of us keeping quite happening then seems too realistic because we know we also know that for us, it is very difficult to say sorry. But does it not give us an internal strength to know that we have learned to say “I am sorry” when we are wrong? And again when we genuinely mean it when we say “It’s OK!”?
Wow!!! I think these are the two of the most powerful phrases that can truly work in avoiding putting up our guard against the ones we are close. Maybe these are the words the true understanding of which will eliminate the phrase self defence mechanism between two people who are close and between those who want to be close.
Simple… ain’t it?

Isnt that funny??

My first post. And my blog title says... "Demystifying Life". Am I saying that I can solve the mysteries of life? Nah!!! At least not all of them. What prompted me to finally write a blog of my own was the conversations I have had with some close friends and a few others over the last few days. As one does with friends, half a conversation goes in sharing the joys and happiness, the like and dislikes, the events and the non events of our lives. Its the other half which occupies the most amount of mind space afterwards. And that's what has happened to me as well. The issues that each one of us have with respect to our lives currently are in a way quite similar. Its always this conflict between the mind and the heart. Between rationality and emotions (unfortunately, they are almost always at loggerheads with each other). Between the top two priorities (both jostle for the first space). However, resolving these (if we manage to do it ourselves rather than letting time take care of them) only creates the next set of problems. We start to seek the elusive answer to "What if...".

As it is in every aspect of science, the statement "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction" is singular in nature. In the real world every action has a reaction, yes. But in which proportion is, anybody's guess. We are all conscious that the possibility of the worst case scenario materializing is realistic. And we get ourselves to believe that it will actually materialize and then avoid taking the plunge. That's where the difficulties start. And obviously that's where they can be stopped. The simplest thing to do is to take the plunge. There does not seem any possibility of a time machine being invented in the near future. And come what may, our minds will not be able to foretell the future. So why not go the Cadbury's way and "Karo wohi jo dil chaahe" or the Nike way "Just do it". Its not as difficult as we make it out to be.

As someone said we can find a 1000 reasons not to do something, but there is always one compelling reason to do the other: What we really really want to do. Talk to yourself and you will always find the answer.

P.S. - This one's dedicated to you !!!